Dramatic Message to My Mother

(The following is a dramatic text I sent my mom when she asked how my new medicine was, which I found to be so appallingly disgusting I had to make sure she understood to what extent I despised the taste. She found it hilarious and encouraged me to add it to my website as a post. So, do with that what you will...)

Mom: How was it?

Me: I know not what I have done to offend the beings above us or those who dwell beneath our feet for only the devil himself could have created such a concoction. But any sin I have committed deserving of such a punishment as this I atone with all of my being while I have time, for with every sip of this elixir I lose a piece of my soul to the afterlife and the demons who ridicule my misery. Please if there is any mercy left in the darkness of this world let it come to light now before the candle is blown out forever and shadows are all that are left in the walls of this broken society.

It sucks.